The Ensemble Love Line is here to help.
Last month we put the call out for your love, dating, sex and relationship conundrums, and we had an array of people call and message in (thank you to those who opened up!). We took those anonymous questions and concerns and put them to a range of relevant ‘experts’ – from relationship counsellors to sexologists to fantastic flirts – and today, begin to share some of their advice. The first: how to deal with a break up.
If you have a dilemma that you’d love our panel to ponder, get in touch with the Ensemble Love Line on 0272095569.
My boyfriend and I broke up and I can’t stop crying. This is my first time dating someone for this long (9 months) and I’m 26-years-old. The relationship was so good, it was one of those cheesy, sticky love and we didn’t have arguments at all. But he broke it off…
We all know that he will be leaving NZ in one year and I’ve been wanting to tell him that I’m happy to follow him wherever his job is taking him (I know, I’m hopelessly in love) but he didn’t want me to follow him. He will feel the pressure – and I think his upbringing from his divorced parents; he probably now has attachment issues.
He said it’s better to break it off before we get hurt. I was desperate, telling him I don’t mind following him (as I don’t really like my current living circumstances), but he said no. I asked to be together for another year or three months, to put a deadline on our relationship – as I think it’s easier to help me to get over him, but he kept saying no.
He and I cried a lot when he broke up with me, as our feelings for each other are still so strong (we had just celebrated Valentine’s Day and even had plans for the weekend for a day trip).
He’s coming over this week as I would like to see him and say goodbye. I asked him to reconsider putting a deadline in our relationship but to be frank, that’s probably really unhealthy... I will ask him to be friends when we are over each other. My friends keep telling me to not see him again. It’s just really sad, I wish I was mad at him. But he can’t just break it off when we’re so in love with each other.
Advice from Rachel Dasler, counsellor
Sorry to hear you are so sad and upset that your boyfriend has ended the relationship, however I think it could be a suitable time to digest what your friends are saying and why they might be feeling that you should not see him again.
From an outsider looking in, this does sound a little like a “fantasy” relationship, you mention “cheesy sticky love” and “we didn’t have arguments at all” …suddenly there is change and your boyfriend decides to end things! It sounds like he has made the decision that even with your offer to follow him when he leaves NZ, he does not want you to do this, but he does not have the words to say this in a meaningful and adult way. Perhaps he is fearful about hurt this is causing, however he is good at saying a hard no to your options around your desire to continue the relationship, while not really giving any further clarity around why he is now feeling this way.
The relationship comes across one-sided to me. As a counsellor, I do see a lot of couples who are very “merged” in the early, honeymoon stages of a relationship, the cracks begin to appear when we must learn to manage the anxiety that arises from our differences with each other. For example, you are both shaped, not necessarily defined, by your upbringings, how you were parented, how you expressed emotion and how you were encouraged to express vulnerability.
In a grown-up world, relationships are not easy, arguments are unavoidable, and you must be able to move out of the “cheesy sticky love” phase to move to the next stage of relationship growth which is all about managing our individual differences.
It seems to me that your boyfriend has made the decision to end the relationship while in the first stage of relationship growth, commonly known as the honeymoon phase, with a ready-made plan to move to a new phase of life, away from NZ without you with him. He is effectively saying that he does not want you to be a part of this new life. While it is sad, and there are tears, I would suggest that you focus your relationship growth with someone who can see a future for you both.
You will hurt now; however, your love will be stronger and deeper with a partner who can express his feelings and vulnerabilities more clearly and truthfully during the ebbs and flows of a relationship, and who can move with you to a stronger love foundation involving truths and navigating differences and handling conflict better.
Rachel holds full membership with the New Zealand Association of Counsellors (MNZAC) and is also an NZAC approved Supervisor. Rachel has experience working with individuals (including children and adolescents) couples and families, and her counselling is underpinned by a person-centered modality, with a focus on nurturing connection to self and to others, to bring about, and sustain, supportive change. She is at Practice 371 in Auckland on Mondays, 9-5pm.
Advice from Stacey O, sex, love and relationship coach, and host of the podcast 'Finger Food'
Firstly, I am so sorry that you and your partner have broken up. Breakups SUCK, experiencing heartbreak in any shape or form is incredibly tough, and the whirlwind of emotions that accompany it can feel overwhelming. It's okay to let yourself cry and feel the pain; it's a natural, healthy part of the process.
Your ex has told you he wants to break up and he doesn’t want you to follow him. While it's tempting to cling to the hope of salvaging the relationship, it's important to acknowledge and respect your ex-partner's decision to end the relationship. What he is presenting to you is the reality of the situation. As difficult as it is, accepting his choice is a crucial step towards healing. You deserve to be with someone who fully reciprocates your love and commitment, and holding onto a relationship where that isn't the case will only prolong your pain.
This period of transition can be an opportunity for self-reflection and growth. Take the time to understand what didn't work in the relationship and what you truly want moving forward. Focusing on self-love and self-care can help rebuild your confidence and resilience, and honestly, it can be one of the most empowering times in your life.
Regarding the prospect of friendship with your ex - if there are lingering romantic feelings, which it sounds like there are, it's important to consider whether it's truly in your best interest. If maintaining a friendship is going to impede your healing process, it may be best to maintain some distance for now. Redirecting the love and energy you would invest in the friendship back into yourself can be a transformative form of healing.
Ultimately, navigating through heartbreak is deeply personal. While friendship with your ex may be a possibility in the future, it's essential to listen to your own needs and boundaries in the present moment. I would recommend spending loads of time with your beautiful friends right now, they sound great! Sending your tender heart some mega love. You are not alone and you are doing so well!
