Such is the awe and fervour people whose opinions we respect hold for Love Island, that we decided to subject ourselves to an entire season to see what the fuss is about (well, that and so that we would recognise the names of everyone who appears in the entertainment section of The Daily Mail on the regular). We came, we saw, we had questions. Lots of them.

Was Love Island a post-feminist treatise on the importance of female friendship above veneer-toothed men? A little bit.

Was it an important glimpse into Gen Z wannabe influencer culture? Certainly. Was it a complete waste of 50-odd hours of our time? The jury’s still out on that one. 

As season eight comes to an end, we attempt to unpack the most burning questions, the ones that have kept us up at night and that have seen us huddling around a virtual water cooler (AKA the group chat).

Rebecca, the geriatric newbie asks them. And Tyson, the longtime stan, attempts to answer them. 

Why is Susie Cave all up in Luca’s social media? She keeps commenting what  a lovely boy he is, and she is one of only a handful of people the fishmonger follows.

Because the world is small but Luca’s hometown of Brighton is smaller. Nick Cave explained online that Luca was a school friend of his and Susie’s twins Arthur and Earl and that Luca’s parents were especially kind to their family after Arthur died.

“These people, Luca’s parents, are as good as people get, and they love their son, Luca. So, Susie watches Love Island and cheers him on, and hopes that he will win. I also hope that Luca wins, and wins soon, because then I can get the fucking TV back.” 

The eagle-eyed amongst us also noticed Luca’s mother wearing a Vampires Wife dress (NZ$3100) on today’s episode. The man may sell fish, but it appears his parents can hold their own alongside Gemma’s more well-known ones. 

This year they’ve made a big song and dance about sustainable fashion - wearing secondhand and on-selling items worn. Please tell me this doesn’t extend to the swimwear, or those very very short denim cut-offs the girls share (they look like a yeast infection waiting to happen, especially in that heat). Explain?! 

This was the first question that popped into my apparently hygiene conscious brain when they announced the eBay partnership too, for many swimwear (and undies) are the final no-go zone when it comes to wearing secondhand clothing.

Fear not, the Love Island stylist Flora Murray did a Reddit Q+A last month and confirmed that none of the swimwear is pre-worn, and the Islanders can bring in their own togs at the start of the show. 

However good intentions can only go so far and when Indiyah went into The Hideaway for a night alone with Dami, she borrowed a lace G-string from Tasha. Don’t they know thrush is apparently tearing its way through reality TV shows in Australia right now?

Similarly, you can’t tell me that the boys aren’t provided a brand new pair of tighty whities every day (I’m looking at you, Luca). I’ve never known males to have such consistently clean crisp undies. How does this fit within the sustainability initiatives?

Maybe it's an ultra-effective case of sun bleaching or they blew the whole budget on having a Persil representative on hand at all times to immediately deal with anything unsightly, and that's why the dates are so cheap? This certainly wasn’t the case earlier in the season when Jacques paraded around the bedroom in a pair of grey jocks with a suspicious mark on the back (barf).

Why are the girls so cool and the boys all so vile? I would die of boredom if I were locked up with those losers. It’s a miracle Ekin-Sue has any personality left.

I’m queer Rebecca, I think this all day everyday.

Why do all the boys refer to Paige as ‘wifey material’? Define wifey material? 

You said it yourself, because they’re all so vile. It’s always used to refer to someone who is submissive, doesn’t kick up a fuss, and as Bella Mackie wrote for Vogue, doesn’t mind “not being allowed to have too much fun.” Ick!

Speaking of definitions, the words ‘banter’, ‘graft’ etc - are they widely used outside the show or part of the unique L.I. lexicon? 

Without consulting a linguistics expert, I think that the lingo on the show broadly matches that used in British youth culture, but the show has definitely introduced many new dating terms to the wider public and overseas audiences e.g the ick.

Having said that, each season the contestants pick a new set of bafflingly complex terminology to categorise the status of their sexual exploits. We’ve had the ‘do bits society’, last year there were no manner of confusing comparisons to soccer, and this year it's all salon related (manicures, blow waves etc). 

I’ve not worked out whether this is an immaturity thing on the contestants' part or if the producers encourage / mandate it because of the time the show airs. What I do know is that the one time an encounter was referred to in actual anatomical terms - “She said I licked her tit or whatever” - all hell broke loose.

Let’s keep talking about grooming. Are the kids really doing this kind of grooming in the outside world or is it driven from pure boredom?

Both right? This is the generation that skipped their awkward 14-year-old phase and went straight to stunner, but also there’s nothing else to do in that villa and if I was always on camera and had access to a Dyson Airwrap and a full makeup counter 24-7, I’d do a full face to sit around a fire pit as well. But straightening your hair and putting perfume on for bed does seem a bit much.

I am genuinely interested in the mechanics of the grooming on the show. Euphemistic manicures aside, did someone come in and sort out Tasha’s dodgy AF extensions? What happens when they get their period?

Do they get waxed during the show? Evidently not because I witnessed a panicked Ekin-Su take a dry razor to her butt crack when the boys announced they were going to give the girls massages. No wonder she had that extremely painful looking ingrown hair at the Lips Inn challenge. (See also: Gemma freaking out about her ‘hairy arse’ and spreading her cheeks to check out the situation in a rather oddly yogic fashion).

Love Island screens in New Zealand on Neon