Grace Ko is the founder of the label Baobei, and co-founder of Sets. In April, she hosted a ‘mommy issues’ workshop as part of the Artist Hui series at Studio One Toi Tū.
Happy mother’s day: a day that celebrates your mother or the person in your life that plays that role; to thank them for all they’ve done.
When we think about ourselves and the way we navigate this world, the way we react and what we react to, it’s usually towards something that is linked to our childhood. They say, whatever you didn’t receive during your childhood, you spend the rest of your life looking for.
EXHIBIT A.
I got many things during my childhood, however I never received the quality time that I craved because my mum spent seven days a week working in her shop so that she could afford to send me to a private school.
Her mum could never give her the material luxury that she hoped for, so it’s now become a priority for her to give me that. But, now as an adult, I use the amount of quality time spent with someone as my measure of love because in my child mind, lack of time spent together = lack of care and attention.
EXHIBIT B.
I never received comfort in the way that I needed it growing up because mum prioritised discipline and bravery (she immigrated to New Zealand alone in her late 20s, without knowing any English and I can’t remember to cancel my free trials after a week). Her mum never hugged or comforted her with words because it was secondary to putting food on the table, so perhaps she never learnt how to give it to me. So as an adult I found myself looking extra hard to find comfort from external sources.
You could call this a mild case of ‘mummy issues’. But to know what our inner child missed out on, is to know what we can make up for now and we have an inner mother within us who can do this. Our inner mother is a means to heal ourselves and to be who we needed from our mother figure when we were children.
On days when I am feeling my stormiest, when the clouds are directly above my head, I ask myself hypothetically: what would I give to my own child, if they were feeling this way? I would ask them how they were feeling, I would let them express those feelings without judgement, I would validate them, hold space for them, not force them to feel better immediately or distract them, I would give them all my undivided attention, I’d put my phone down and turn my body towards them, I’d turn the TV off and close my book.
Just like how my mother did the best that she could with what she had and where she was in her life, I too, am going to do the best I can to be the best mother to myself. It’s never going to be seamless but love was never meant to be perfect*, because to inherit my mum’s pain is to experience her love.
Her pain of being an immigrant meant her discomfort and displacement gave me freedom. Her pain of not finding emotional safety in her relationship with her own mum meant that we can learn how to love each other as two adults. Her pain of not being able to spend time with me as a child meant that I know what hard work and sacrifice looks like. Her pain of hating her nose and weight, that she now projects onto my body, is an opportunity for me to accept and love my body, so much so, that she begins to love hers again.
I love my mum, I love her so much. I love her because she is a part of me; the profile of my nose matches hers, my grit is an extension of hers and I love her because there is a piece of her in me; the mother that is inside me that I have to self soothe and self comfort.
I like to think I’m a mum, not because I have a child, but instead an inner child who is still very active and needs attention.
Mother’s day is about acknowledging the inner mother in you that has been subconsciously learning to keep you safe from all everything; heartbreaks, conflict, sadness, loneliness, disappointments. Mother’s day is also about acknowledging your mother’s highs and lows, pains and wins and all the moments that lead her to you.
So happy mother’s day: a day that celebrates your mother or the person in your life that plays that role, you included.
* I read somewhere that love is interrupted by the pain we carry and we cannot blame love itself for being imperfect. I could never say that my mum didn’t love me, because she did, but her pain from her life may have caused some of the hurt I’ve felt during my upbringing.
But love is an invite to heal. It’s created the opportunity for me and my mum to practise self awareness in our relationship, to acknowledge when we have hurt each other as a result of our projections from our past pain onto each other. Love isn’t just for soothing, it’s a tool for healing.
